Prank
by nugicorn
Summary: When Joker and Kasumi start pranking everyone on the crew, Garrus wants to join in. He does not pick up the concept right away.


Reposted from my old profile

* * *

Garrus paused, stepping off the elevator on his way back to the main battery. Voices drifted toward him from Kasumi's lounge.

"Don't worry about Zaeed, I have an idea for him," Kasumi murmured.

"Well, that's just not fair," Joker protested. "It's not a competition if you claim all the people who'll react."

"You claimed Samara," Kausmi said.

"Yeah, and you know she's just gonna look at me like I'm a child. No points for disappointed mom-looks."

 _What the hell are they doing?_ Garrus wondered, mandibles fluttering in confusion.

 _"You_ developed the point scale, and _you_ picked Samara. Don't try to scam me."

Garrus crept up to the open door to see Kasumi shaking a finger in Joker's face. "What's going on?" he asked.

"Uh, nothing." Joker pulled himself up off the couch and tried to shuffle past Garrus.

"If this is something Commander Shepard should know about—"

"No, no, no." Kasumi waved her hands as Joker rolled his eyes.

"Don't tell him," Joker warned.

"It's just a little April Fool's Day thing," Kasumi said. "No big deal. Nothing to be concerned about."

Garrus crossed his arms, blocking the doorway. "I'm not leaving until I get a full explanation. Or, I can just go tell Shepard you two are planning something."

"See, I told you," Joker said.

Kasumi sighed. "It's a little Earth tradition. Once a year, we play practical jokes on each other. Joker and I are just having a little competition to see who's better at it."

"I'm telling you, Hil never saw a joke coming. I will own you."

"My entire line of work is deception; you're outclassed, Moreau."

"I wanna play," Garrus said.

Joker and Kasumi looked at him, mouths open.

"Well, see, the thing is—"

"Kind of a human thing—"

"Not that you couldn't play next year, maybe."

"After you've seen how it's done."

Joker and Kasumi spun their story quickly and efficiently, working like a well-practiced team.

"I'm playing, or I'm telling Shep," Garrus said, setting his mandibles.

Kasumi looked to Joker, who only shrugged. "Well … go play a prank, then. We'll give you a score when you get back. Okay?" She smiled brightly at Garrus until he walked away.

"Should have just told him it was a surprise for the Commander's birthday," Joker muttered.

"Damn it! Why didn't I think of that?"

§

Joker and Kasumi huddled in the cockpit, totting up scores. Samara had indeed been disappointed to find her quarters rearranged. Liara swore she was never speaking to either of them again. Mordin—

"I did it!" Garrus yelled, bursting into the cockpit.

Kasumi quickly hid the score-card before he could see his name wasn't on it.

"I played a prank."

"Alright, Spikes. What have you got?" Joker asked.

"I switched the salt and the sugar in the kitchen." He beamed at them, chin raised high.

"Is … that all?" Kasumi asked.

"What?" Garrus's mandibles dropped. Weren't they going to acknowledge the sheer awesomeness of his prank? "I got it from the extranet."

Kasumi placed her hand on Garrus's arm. "See, Vakarian, the thing is …." She faltered, unable to find a nice way to explain.

"Gardner's our cook," Joker interrupted.

Garrus huffed. "I don't see what that—"

"EDI," Joker called, "could you please—"

"No, I got it," Kasumi said. She pressed a few buttons on her omni-tool and in seconds quiet, tinny conversation and clinking silverware were audible.

 _"Gardner, what the hell did you do the food tonight?"_

"See?" Garrus said. "I told you it was good."

"Wait for it," Joker said.

 _"What are you bitching about today, Perkins? There is nothin' wrong with that food."_

 _"I know, that's what I mean. It's almost … edible."_

 _"Oh, har-dee-har, wiseass. I made it the same as I always do."_

 _"But I mean it. I think I might not need to go to the infirmary tonight."_

Kasumi cut the audio and looked to Garrus. "It's not really a prank if no one minds."

"I can do this," Garrus insisted, storming out of the cockpit.

"I'm worried this may end badly," Kasumi said.

"Well, I told you—" Joker started.

"I know!"

§

"I did it," Garrus declared, sliding onto a bench in the cafeteria.

Joker and Kasumi looked up from their trays. The food really wasn't bad today.

"What did you do, Vakarian?" Kasumi asked.

Garrus placed a towel and a familiar pair of pants with suspenders on the table.

"Are those …?" Joker's face flushed a little. His mouth stopped moving, unable to complete the thought.

"Jack's clothes and towel. When she gets out of the shower, she'll be stuck! She won't be able to leave the bathroom until someone brings her a new …."

Garrus trailed off as Jack—looking not in the least bothered by the prank—sauntered into the mess hall. Every head swiveled to track the lithe form covered only in ink.

"Heard the grub's okay today, Gard. Load me up." Jack held her tray out, seeming to not notice that every pair of eyes was glued to her. She sat down next to Garrus. "Oh, there's my pants. Thought I lost 'em."

"Doesn't count," Kasumi said quietly.

Joker was too busy eying Jack's small-but-pert assets to respond.

§

By dinner, Garrus was sulking. Zaeed had roared by, demanding to know where "she" was; apparently Kasumi had sent him on a treasure hunt for his rifle. Shepard, dripping and towel-clad and smelling of broth, swore up and down that she would "break every bone in that idiot's body" when she caught up with Joker. Meanwhile, Garrus had spent the afternoon cleaning up the bathroom after Grunt, since he'd put invisible cling wrap over the toilet bowl. Grunt hadn't cared, but EDI had threatened to shut down all the environmental controls on the Main Battery while everyone was sleeping. After that incident, Garrus had finally caught a glimpse of the score-card they were keeping. Kasumi had scribbled his name onto it, but his points were still at zero.

Now, Joker and Kasumi were in the infirmary, still planning, while Garrus sat in the mess eating the not-new-and-improved dextro meal.

"People have been acting strangely today, Sere Vakarian." Thane's serene form slid into a seat across from Garrus.

Garrus's stomach tightened. _A thousand points. A thousand points if I successfully prank the self-composed assassin._ If he did it right, he would win the competition right now. He looked over to the infirmary, where Kasumi and Joker were desperately gesturing "no" at him through the glass. He nodded slowly. He was going for the points.

Garrus looked around. There had to be something he could do. Right here, right now. He grabbed the salt-cellar, untwisting the top before offering it to Thane; when the assassin used it, his food would be ruined! "Need some salt?"

"No, thank you. The food is salted adequately tonight."

Garrus set the salt down and tapped his fingers on the table. _Think, Vakarian, think._ "Is your nose running, Thane?"

"No, I am well, thank you."

Garrus quailed, looking over to the infirmary. Joker was still shaking his head at him. Kasumi's shoulders were rocking as she laughed.

"Thane, look, your shoelace is untied!"

Thane looked up from his food quizzically, eyes unconcerned. "Sere Vakarian … I do not have shoelaces."

Garrus raised his hands in exasperation, glaring at the infirmary. This was just impossible. Now Kasumi was laughing hard enough to almost fall down; she was leaning on Joker as she shook.

Thane followed Garrus's gaze curiously. "What are those two doing, do you know?"

"They're dating," Garrus snapped, head on his arms. He knew it wouldn't get any points, but he was out of ideas.

"Mr. Moreau and … Miss Goto?" Thane asked.

Garrus looked up slowly. He saw Thane's dark look, glanced back to Kasumi and Joker, and came back to see Thane, who was looking incensed.

 _Thane likes Kasumi?_ "Well … actually I think they're breaking up," Garrus said slowly, testing the waters.

"Oh." Thane visibly relaxed, finally able to turn his attention back to his food. "That's good. Kasu—I mean, Miss Goto, is very—She can do better."

Garrus tried to keep the smile off his face. He smirked toward Kasumi before telling Thane casually, "Actually she has done better. Already."

Thane set his fork down. "Oh?"

"It's why they're breaking up. She, uh. She was with me last night."

Thane's hands balled into fists, and Garrus's heart leapt. He'd won it. All he had to do was finish it.

"Oh, yeah. And, uh …." He tried to remember, what would bother a drell? "She's wild," he said.

Thane began trembling lightly.

"Wouldn't believe what she's willing to do. I mean, last night she let me—"

Then the world went black.

§

"Hey, uh, Spikes?"

Soft human hands patted at his face. Garrus opened his eyes. Directly in front of him was Joker's face. Beyond that, the ceiling. How had he ended up on the floor?

"Come on. Let's sit you up." Joker put an arm around Garrus's shoulders, guiding him into a sitting position.

"What happened?" Garrus winced as he spoke; his left mandible was hanging somewhat crookedly, and he seemed to be missing a few teeth.

"Well, he almost killed you," Joker explained cheerfully. "But it looks like you won. A thousand points. Jerk."

Garrus slowly climbed to his feet unassisted while Joker grinned; he didn't dare use the fragile little pilot for leverage. He spotted Kasumi across the room, standing awfully close to Thane and speaking with him quietly.

"I may have won, but it looks like Kasumi got the big prize," Garrus muttered.

"Yeah," Joker sighed, watching the thief and assassin walking away hand-in-hand.

Both Garrus and Joker replayed what they had just said before they slowly turned to look at each other, wide-eyed. For a long moment, neither of them spoke.

"I should—"

"Calibrations!"


End file.
